My family is stressing me out so much. I think I am going to have to stop communicating with my sister permanently. I don't know what else to do because I can't handle this anymore. She needs to accept my parents are not going to let her stay with them any more, as they have reached the breaking point. No one is willing to help her anymore because it's too overwhelming and it's like agreeing to harm yourself. On the other hand, I am terrified of what is happening to her now and what will happen to her in the future. She is telling me the guy is crazy and obsessive and controlling, she lost a lot of weight, and she was talking of suicide. My sister is not the sort of person who threatens suicide randomly. She has done this from time to time under extreme stress but uncommonly. I wish there was something I can do but there isn't, there just FUCKING ISN'T, I can't make her work and take care of herself like a normal person, and I'm not going to let her stay with me and drive me crazier... because that is an invitation to constant abuse and drama.
I told her the situation (no one in the nuclear family is going to put up with you) so you need to contact our extended family for a temporary residence if this guy is abusive or crazy. My sister lies so often it's hard to tell what's true. She might be in an extremely unsafe situation, or she might be in a ordinary but slightly uncomfortable situation; there is no way to tell from her responses as she will lie in both cases. However, non-verbal indicators are that she is under extreme stress and not doing well.
I told her to call our cousin, or our aunt, both will lend a place to sleep. But our parents and your siblings wont as we know you well and all of us understand the abuse and craziness that lies there.
You know when I look at my situation and how fucked up my life is and how minimally functional I am, it's just really not fair that I have to carry someone *elses* problems and baggage and try to sort their shit out too. Half the time I am trying to find the strength to keep going to my shitty job, to keep my life regular, meanwhile I have to carry my adult sister who absolutely REFUSES TO MAKE EVEN A TRIVIAL FUCKING EFFORT to live a regular stable life.
Something as basic as trying to work, nope.
I want to make it clear, in case it wasn't already, that I am no one to look up to, respect, or take advice from. I always feel uncomfortable whenever I receive compliment or praise either online or in real life, because I am an utter failure of a person. There is nothing at all about my life that is remarkable or desirable and you should ignore everything I advise or blurt out the way you would ignore a screaming lunatic on the street. So I managed to lose weight; who fucking cares. What else did I do? Nothing at all. LITERALLY NOTHING at all. My biggest accomplishment is holding employment for >3 years so far and paying my bills and not being on SSDI, and faking normalcy most of the time...although I fool no one in real life and pretty much everyone thinks I'm a fucking low functioning nutter weirdo. And they're right.
It was better when no one read my blog, because I rarely felt embarrassed about anything I wrote as I was talking to no one. Now I have to deal with the fact anything I write say or do is witnessed to a dozen or so people who are all thinking "what a fucking freak". Really sorry for spazzing out yesterday, it happens. I slept 7 hrs so I am much more lucid/not on invisible drugs.
I bet my neighbors think I am like mentally handicapped. I kinda just run around randomly, all day long, at all hours of the day. I am totally isolated. Mentally handicapped people do things like this. I bet the local police think I'm a fucking nut too, as they patrol the neighborhood and see me just kinda meandering around randomly at 4, 5 am. I should wave to them and wear a nametag; we really should introduce ourselves. They probably have a nickname for me as they do all the other derelicts who are regulars to the 'hood. "Oh, that nut girl who walks alone in the middle of the night responding to internal stimuli... " When I worked at a liquor store we had nicknames for all the lowlives who frequented the place. I wonder what my nickname is.
It's also a miracle I have not yet been attacked abudcted or any attempt at this made. Pretty much every day someone asks me to get in their car, multiple times per day/night actually. I guess almost no other 20 something female walks alone in the middle of the night for hours, so most guys observing this assume she is looking to be propositioned, like a cat in heat. I never see any other female doing this, except for the odd drunk straggler coming home from a party or something, so it's understandable I suppose how all men in cars could get this idea. No, sorry, actually I just have a compulsive need to move around because it's the only thing that helps me feel better that isn't a drug. But thank you again sir for asking me to get in your car, I'll have to pass that offer for now. So far none of these people has been crazy, I'm on a lucky streak!
North of where I live is an abysmal crime ridden ghetto; literally a few blocks up. South is relatively safer (relatively). I always walk south, so, I'm GTG. It's like an invisible barrier, the bad can't hurt me you know.
Should I tell anyone of my habit of walking around everywhere at all hours of the night obliviously, they look at me like a nut. That is the only look I deserve, ever, in every circumstance, no matter how reasonable I might be superficially seeming to be.
Whatever.
I told her the situation (no one in the nuclear family is going to put up with you) so you need to contact our extended family for a temporary residence if this guy is abusive or crazy. My sister lies so often it's hard to tell what's true. She might be in an extremely unsafe situation, or she might be in a ordinary but slightly uncomfortable situation; there is no way to tell from her responses as she will lie in both cases. However, non-verbal indicators are that she is under extreme stress and not doing well.
I told her to call our cousin, or our aunt, both will lend a place to sleep. But our parents and your siblings wont as we know you well and all of us understand the abuse and craziness that lies there.
You know when I look at my situation and how fucked up my life is and how minimally functional I am, it's just really not fair that I have to carry someone *elses* problems and baggage and try to sort their shit out too. Half the time I am trying to find the strength to keep going to my shitty job, to keep my life regular, meanwhile I have to carry my adult sister who absolutely REFUSES TO MAKE EVEN A TRIVIAL FUCKING EFFORT to live a regular stable life.
Something as basic as trying to work, nope.
I want to make it clear, in case it wasn't already, that I am no one to look up to, respect, or take advice from. I always feel uncomfortable whenever I receive compliment or praise either online or in real life, because I am an utter failure of a person. There is nothing at all about my life that is remarkable or desirable and you should ignore everything I advise or blurt out the way you would ignore a screaming lunatic on the street. So I managed to lose weight; who fucking cares. What else did I do? Nothing at all. LITERALLY NOTHING at all. My biggest accomplishment is holding employment for >3 years so far and paying my bills and not being on SSDI, and faking normalcy most of the time...although I fool no one in real life and pretty much everyone thinks I'm a fucking low functioning nutter weirdo. And they're right.
It was better when no one read my blog, because I rarely felt embarrassed about anything I wrote as I was talking to no one. Now I have to deal with the fact anything I write say or do is witnessed to a dozen or so people who are all thinking "what a fucking freak". Really sorry for spazzing out yesterday, it happens. I slept 7 hrs so I am much more lucid/not on invisible drugs.
I bet my neighbors think I am like mentally handicapped. I kinda just run around randomly, all day long, at all hours of the day. I am totally isolated. Mentally handicapped people do things like this. I bet the local police think I'm a fucking nut too, as they patrol the neighborhood and see me just kinda meandering around randomly at 4, 5 am. I should wave to them and wear a nametag; we really should introduce ourselves. They probably have a nickname for me as they do all the other derelicts who are regulars to the 'hood. "Oh, that nut girl who walks alone in the middle of the night responding to internal stimuli... " When I worked at a liquor store we had nicknames for all the lowlives who frequented the place. I wonder what my nickname is.
It's also a miracle I have not yet been attacked abudcted or any attempt at this made. Pretty much every day someone asks me to get in their car, multiple times per day/night actually. I guess almost no other 20 something female walks alone in the middle of the night for hours, so most guys observing this assume she is looking to be propositioned, like a cat in heat. I never see any other female doing this, except for the odd drunk straggler coming home from a party or something, so it's understandable I suppose how all men in cars could get this idea. No, sorry, actually I just have a compulsive need to move around because it's the only thing that helps me feel better that isn't a drug. But thank you again sir for asking me to get in your car, I'll have to pass that offer for now. So far none of these people has been crazy, I'm on a lucky streak!
North of where I live is an abysmal crime ridden ghetto; literally a few blocks up. South is relatively safer (relatively). I always walk south, so, I'm GTG. It's like an invisible barrier, the bad can't hurt me you know.
Should I tell anyone of my habit of walking around everywhere at all hours of the night obliviously, they look at me like a nut. That is the only look I deserve, ever, in every circumstance, no matter how reasonable I might be superficially seeming to be.
Whatever.
13 comments:
- Sidereal said...
- Woo, maybe some of us hang out here because we respect your intelligence, insight and resilience and don't think you're a freak. Most others I've come across with the type of mood problems you have live on welfare. How are you a failure? You didn't JUST lose weight, you lost 160 lbs and are holding down a high-stress job and are looking after yourself financially. Being accomplished in life don't have to mean having worthless college degrees, or worse, being a bored housewife to some successful cluster B type in a big house in the burbs, or worse yet, being part of the typical boring middle class couple with a house, two cars, two jobs and two and a half kids. For some of us, success is being able to get out of bed each morning and showing up to work on time. We are dealt a genetic hand at conception I'm afraid and we have to redefine success within the framework of what we can realistically accomplish with the CNS we have.
- v/vmary said...
- can you get a dog? do you live in a place with a yard? a dog is a good excuse to walk at all hours. or get a cat and get one of those pet carrier baby carriages so people think you have to be out with the baby cuz its crying. why not try to seek out more real human company? internet friends are better than nothing, but a poor substitute. my friend at school used to volunteer at a battered women's shelter because he like d to play with the kids of the women. he wasn't weird, he just liked the kids' company. teaching little kids almost always improves my mood because they are so funny and angelic. if my advice is always missing the mark with you, tell me and i will refrain. ps there are battered women's shelters your sister could go to in the short term. if she is serious about a dangerous situation, she could go their for a couple of weeks first.
- Liam said...
- Order this http://tiny.cc/dcp5hw if you want the science for the first book get this http://tiny.cc/zdp5hw It really is transformative shit
- Kim said...
- Woo...you need a VACATION. You need to get away from your family & your job. I second what Sidereal said above: you are a brilliant and highly functional woman...it's just really hard to maintain perspective when you're stressed/distressed/sleep deprived. You're not crazy, but you can see it really well from your backyard! A BIG dog could be a good idea if you're out at night...but, getting a dog is like having a baby...can be a wonderful companion or just one more f___ing responsibility. I was miserable in my job & life for many years and so depressed. I use to go out walking alone at night when I was 20-drove my friends & family insane. Amazing I never got assaulted, or worse(Kenneth Bianchi killed two girls who lived 2 houses down from me during that time). Anyway, I recommend a break...go PLAY DANCE Breath Sea Air..whatever...away
- Tate Metlen said...
- I find weightlifting helps. Heavy weights in the morning evens out my mood all day and at night I fall asleep as soon as my head hits my pillow. When I stop lifting, my mood nosedives and I lay awake all night.
- keto-katharsis said...
- My gut reaction to this is family can really tear us apart and darken every thing we see and every thing we do, and every thing we think we are. Im not saying your sis is a sociopath, but your reaction to her red flags a classic vampiric bloodsucking soul destroying sociopathic game shes playing. She probably doesnt even realize she does it. Ive had to distance myself from most of my family for painful reasons. Im there in emergencies, thats it cept for very rare occasions. It seems to just be a rite of passage as we age. People grow apart. Families become estranged. The internet? Hmmmmm. Maybe you could start a more personal blog with privacy settings for invited guests only? Id hate that if I never got an invite, but you could keep this blog up on the side for more diety , or general stuff. ----- see, no flatery intended, but this is what artists do, they put in physical form ideas and feelings that others could NEVER express no matter how terribly they need too, or want to. Your following is growing because you r so very intelligent and wise and brave, and everyone wishes they had that talent, to analyze and dig and figure things out and then brilliantly bleed it onto the page like you do. SSorry if this makes you uncomfortable, buts its the curse of talented people. I get this from observation (not experience, hehe) Ive had many writer , artist friends in my twenties and they expressed themselves in the same ways you are now. Please never mistake your strengths for weaknesses Woo, its just not so! Hmmmmph!
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