50k-think: Christopher Ryan: If You Want Fidelity, Get a Dog - Culture and Society - Browse - Big Ideas

Christopher Ryan: If You Want Fidelity, Get a Dog - Culture and Society - Browse - Big Ideas - ABC TV

Christopher Ryan: If You Want Fidelity, Get a Dog

Published 22 November 2011 | Festival of Dangerous Ideas

Highlights

watch now

Entire Talk

We've been told that sexual monogamy comes naturally to our species. But how does this square with the facts: fewer and fewer couples marry, divorce is increasing and marriages are haunted by the twin spectres of adultery and flagging libido. What if our past is actually one of egalitarian promiscuity? What if monogamy doesn't come naturally to us and never has? And, if having an affair would make your marriage last, would you?

Christopher Ryan is an American psychologist who contends that much of what we've been told about our species is in fact untrue, particularly when it comes to sexuality. The bottom line, he says, is monogamy is unnatural: we're just not designed to have sex with the same person over a lifetime. He cheekily suggests that had Darwin had a better sex life our theories of human sexual relations would be completely different.

This session was chaired by the ABC's Robyn Williams and was part of the 2011 Festival of Dangerous Ideas at the Sydney Opera House.

Christopher Ryan is a psychologist and co -author of New York Times best-seller, "Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality". Christopher contributes to Psychology Today and The Huffington Post.

Robyn Williams is a science journalist and broadcaster, and the host of ABC Radio National's The Science show. In 1987 he was named a National Living Treasure. In 1993, Robyn was the first journalist elected as a Fellow Member of the Australian Academy of Science. He was a Visiting Fellow at Balliol College Oxford in 1995-96. Robyn has written more than 10 books, the latest being a novel.

Comments (35)

Add your comment

Carl Fairhurst :
18 Feb 2012 1:46:37pm
Thank you, thank you, you have crystallised and confirmed many of my own theories of evolutionary psychology and inter-gender dynamics. Also as a 50 year old widower with a healthy libido, I want you to tell "all" women (loudly and often) the bit about mature, sexually secure, men over 50 make much better lovers.....please. By the way, have you had a look at the Argentine Tango, I think there are depths to it, more than just a dance, that keep this one time psych student busy for hours and hours.
Reply Alert moderator
T. Neff :
01 Dec 2011 12:11:08pm
Most humans do not evolve far enough to be "adult humans"... they remain emotionally, socially and consciously as children. The mass beliefs about sexuality and religion
underscore the immaturity of our species. When couples choose personal responsibility and mutual support of each other, without the need to control each other through vows, covenants and agreements, they enter into a fully adult status.
Reply Alert moderator
laz91 :
29 Nov 2011 10:10:21pm
I think it is self evident that mankind is best suited to monogamous behaviour.That is if you think biologically ie realality. Unfortunately our species is so poluted by religious rubbish, political , psychological, philosophical rubbish that the truth is hidden. Many factors are involved in high divorce rate , but "the Pill " would be first on my "culprits" list. If only the truth could set us free.
Reply Alert moderator
David Fox :
28 Nov 2011 3:48:58am
Sometimes I think there are two species of humans with the characteristics of either chimps or bonobos, currently the chimps seem to be winning, and women seem to find them inordinately attractive
Reply Alert moderator
Jean Sievers :
27 Nov 2011 8:51:34pm
It is up to the individuals how they decide how they arrange their relationships. For some people it would be very difficult to be monogamous and for others it would be difficult to have a variety of partners. In an ideal world it might be better if people could work this out before they make a permanent commitment. But life gets messy sometimes.
Reply Alert moderator
fluff :
27 Nov 2011 12:27:57pm
The non monogamous never stop talking about monogamy just as atheists never stop preaching about the non existence of God. Women now have equal property rights and the opportunity to work in most developed countries so the economic imperative for marriage is removed. What is wrong with wanting to love one person anyway? Why does our society condemn overeating but condone promiscuity? Just look at the rate of breakup and personal misery caused by a lack of sexual restraint and personal growth in our society.
Reply Alert moderator
Definitions :
26 Nov 2011 11:10:46pm
What exactly is "naturally"? And how might that impact on monogamy?

If "natural" is some instinctive, un-evolved state, then none of us is "natural" in that sense.

It is a misapplication of Darwinian evolution to claim what a precursor to modern humans did applies to modern humanity. It is an even greater misapplication to claim that we're like a dog, a bird, or even a chimp. This is clearly stupid. Did the speakers/authors consider that monogamy may actually be a later evolutionary stage and has its own benefits in the evolutionary scheme?
Reply Alert moderator
Bill :
26 Nov 2011 10:20:18pm
There are many troubling thoughts, opinions, conventions in today's society. And yes we have grown up in this "reality". Those that dismiss this gentleman's findings remind me of those who contested that the world is round, and that the earth is not the center of the universe. And if you care to remember he did not say that monogomy was wrong, he said that it was difficult because it is not natural for us. Made even more difficult when you go into relationships with disney/ religious/ fairytale perspectives. I know what he said contradicts everything you have been educated to believe is false, but thats what growing up means. Educating yourself and making decisions based on what actually "is" as opposed to what is "accepted". Real feelings of love and understanding will become possible only after we know all we can about sex and human emotions. Challenge your foundations of belief.
Reply Alert moderator
K54 :
26 Nov 2011 4:56:34pm
First point of contact for most people (with the other sex) normally is through their visual sense. This is primarily the reason of attraction and therefore the cause of straying temptation. Monogamy is hard work and does not always pay back our efforts nicely. People stay in a relationship because itâ€™s safer than being with someone they donâ€™t know well. Nobody in the audience asked the author since when human beings decided that monogamy is more efficient, and safer than polygamy.
Reply Alert moderator
Steve :
26 Nov 2011 2:25:59pm
Well it certainly has opened a can of worms. We are all different, feel differently about sex and this is just another thoery that may or may not work for someone. BUT.. it certainly does help to explain a few things about human behavior.
Reply Alert moderator
Peter A. :
25 Nov 2011 1:44:01pm
Another finding, by yet another 'researcher' who has found (surprise, surprise) exactly what he set out to find in the first place. Using 'science' to justify unethical and irrational behaviour is becoming commonplace these days.
Reply Alert moderator
May Hem :
25 Nov 2011 12:53:14pm
No wonder its called wedLOCK.

Variety is the spice of life.
Reply Alert moderator
whodathunkit :
24 Nov 2011 11:18:02am
Hall-righty!

So we're biologically determined to have no more self-control than dogs!

Hitting the heights today, people!
Reply Alert moderator
kika :
23 Nov 2011 9:37:13pm
thank you for this talk christopher. i always knew that there was something wrong with monogamy and with our "owning" society.

great talk!
Reply Alert moderator
fred :
23 Nov 2011 6:36:38pm
Sorry that is a fantasy if you are saying marriage was from the jewish/biblical origin. Pairings existed long before the bible, as for the supposed examples of tribes they found that don't care about paternity, I'm sure you can find anything if that is the standard, a cult can have pretty heinous sexual practices but generally they are not successful over the long run and are not indicative of anything about the direction of evolution in humans.
His assertion that there is nothing to fight over pre agricultural society is not right, fighting over territory is perfectly rational, and frankly the total lack of any close relative species to our own which is unique amongst animals kind of tells us that we out competed them all..and probably exterminated them. As for chimps vs bonobos, there are far more chimps left in the world than bonobos.
His explanation for why men are less forgiving of women straying was absurd. He might as well not accept the fact that there are more older men with younger women, the fact is if a woman gets pregnant, she always knows it is his, that is the major factor he denies, so a woman straying presents the possibility that the man will raise someone elses children, which is totally disadvantageous for a man.
Reply Alert moderator
anonymous :
23 Nov 2011 5:39:59pm
There are plenty of successful (and honest) non-monogamous relationships (including my own where both my husband and I have other serious relationships, and those relationships have other relationships of their own), unfortunately most of them are in the closet due to stigma. Despite the fact that it takes more communication and honesty and consideration, I actually find it far more natural (and thus easier and less stressful) than when my relationship was monogamous.
This website answers most objections and confusions people have over non-monogamy:
morethantwo.com/polyamory.html
Reply Alert moderator
Miowarra :
23 Nov 2011 4:10:34pm
A goldfish is even less likely than a dog to be unfaithful.

Don't even expect it from a person.
Reply Alert moderator
Simon :
23 Nov 2011 10:24:40am
Monogamy and marriage was imposed onto mankind by Jews of old,and like the Ten Commandments,monogamy is to protect property and birth right.It was important that property was handed down to your REAL sons.
Reply Alert moderator
ateday :
22 Nov 2011 2:15:45pm
We are but just one animal species amongst many.
Not every animal species is monogamous.
In fact I suspect the majority may not be.
Reply Alert moderator

50k-think

7.7.12

Christopher Ryan: If You Want Fidelity, Get a Dog - Culture and Society - Browse - Big Ideas - ABC TV

Christopher Ryan: If You Want Fidelity, Get a Dog

Comments (35)

Carl Fairhurst :

T. Neff :

Bill :

Tim :

laz91 :

David Fox :

Mark B :

Jean Sievers :

Tioz :

fluff :

Lint Brush :

blinkybel :

Tim :

Definitions :

Bill :

Peter A. :

Bill :

J Cosmo :

K54 :

Steve :

Peter A. :

George :

May Hem :

whodathunkit :

xander :

kika :

fred :

anonymous :

here here :

Miowarra :

Simon :

ateday :

here here :

Sunflower :

Adrian :