Sigh.
So, yesterday I posted a rant about the situation w. my family/nutjob sister...you may have seen it, you may not have, but I took it down because it was white trash crazy even for me.
I have spent the past 2 days phone tagging with family, I am emotionally exhausted.
Here is where the dust has settled:
-My sister is agreeing to leave and she is staying with this guy for the time being.
-My mother has agreed to continue the loan but only if she controls the fat of it, and gives my sister money exclusively for school (she is now saying the money is for schooling), and a car is totally out of the question. And, the loan will go to repay my mother's bank account.
-A temporary restraining order has been initiated.
I have been speaking with my brother a lot, which I think is for the best, as I am a fool. I am constantly easily manipulated. If my sister needs something she can feign decent behavior for short periods, normal respectful behavior, she can say the right things at the right times to make people believe it won't happen again // she is remorseful. My sane sister and my brother are resistant to these lies but for some reason I always end up falling for them, which again is probably because I am a ridiculous social retard.
I feel depleted and stressed and horrible, and I am so tired of feeling this way. I am tired of this, years and years of it.
When I was 26 years old, I still lived at home, with my crazy sister. Toward the end of summer my sister went from her usual state of disorganized chaos to a whirlwind of insanity and abuse. I still do not know what the trigger for it was exactly, perhaps it is because she really is mentally ill and randomly had an episode. Either way, the net effect of this was her basically existing as a ball of fury and rage, destroying things, attacking people, attacking me physically for no reason at any hour of the day. I remember laying in my bed at night shaking; I remember being blitzed with stress at all hours. Shortly after this I moved out... this period was so totally unpleasant , I felt changed by it. I worried for my mother, worried for them all, but I had to get the FUCK out of that nuthouse. What kept me there was the concern for my mother... I was the one who discovered her bad behavior and stopped it, I was the one who intervened if she threatened her, I was the one who discovered the theft and prevented it... my presence was a sort of limiting factor for her, she knew she could not go THAT far or else the authorities would be called. It was my responsibility to keep things under control, from escalating into terminal and unrecoverable.
But I remember then, being just totally destroyed by this situation, physically nervous system wise, I had no choice but to leave, because it was completely sick and abnormal and unhealthy and I quit.
That fall my sister began taking medication, and became more functional.
That fall, I became severely depressed, surely a direct result of the blitzing paralyzing stress plastering me every hour of the day. When stress that intense happens to me, I always have a mood fail after a few weeks or months, even when the stress gets better/goes away. I remember finding it ironic. Here I was laying in a bed crying, in pain all the time, immobile unable to dress or shower, and there she was functioning better.
I moved out shortly after this, when I got better. So done, so totally.
Of course she stopped taking medicine, stopped working, stopped everything functional and decent and normal, and regressed into the usual. Ultimately she thinks there is nothing wrong with her, and I'm tired of trying to figure out what is wrong and how to fix it or keep things stable-ish.
I am overwhelmed mentally by stress and worry now, and all evidence throughout my entire life leads me to believe the way I feel now is suggestive of an endeocrinological/nervous system state which leads to mental decompensation. The mental chaos, symptomatic of psychogenic stress, leading to stress hormones, will always destroy me after weeks and months of it. No exceptions. I am old enough and wise enough now to know anything that makes me feel this way needs to be terminated ASAP. Standing in a fire won't save the house or stop it... it will just kill me. I will be consumed and turned to ash.
There is a lot different now than in the past in terms of my health and resilience, but I refuse to put myself at risk to ever feel as badly as I did then if I can help it. I know how I feel now is the gateway to that. This is pure stress, and my brain was made to break.
I'm tired of this. I can't do anything, and as was the case then, I need to stop getting involved. I've no power to fix anything, just as good of a chance of making it worse... I'm sorry if my mother abrogates responsibility for her own life and happiness, I'm sorry my sister is parasitic and cancerous, but it really isn't my responsibility and I don't have the magic ability to fix these things. It's like, the sanest inmate of the asylum trying to help the others. A joke.
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I have spent the past 2 days phone tagging with family, I am emotionally exhausted.
Here is where the dust has settled:
-My sister is agreeing to leave and she is staying with this guy for the time being.
-My mother has agreed to continue the loan but only if she controls the fat of it, and gives my sister money exclusively for school (she is now saying the money is for schooling), and a car is totally out of the question. And, the loan will go to repay my mother's bank account.
-A temporary restraining order has been initiated.
I have been speaking with my brother a lot, which I think is for the best, as I am a fool. I am constantly easily manipulated. If my sister needs something she can feign decent behavior for short periods, normal respectful behavior, she can say the right things at the right times to make people believe it won't happen again // she is remorseful. My sane sister and my brother are resistant to these lies but for some reason I always end up falling for them, which again is probably because I am a ridiculous social retard.
I feel depleted and stressed and horrible, and I am so tired of feeling this way. I am tired of this, years and years of it.
When I was 26 years old, I still lived at home, with my crazy sister. Toward the end of summer my sister went from her usual state of disorganized chaos to a whirlwind of insanity and abuse. I still do not know what the trigger for it was exactly, perhaps it is because she really is mentally ill and randomly had an episode. Either way, the net effect of this was her basically existing as a ball of fury and rage, destroying things, attacking people, attacking me physically for no reason at any hour of the day. I remember laying in my bed at night shaking; I remember being blitzed with stress at all hours. Shortly after this I moved out... this period was so totally unpleasant , I felt changed by it. I worried for my mother, worried for them all, but I had to get the FUCK out of that nuthouse. What kept me there was the concern for my mother... I was the one who discovered her bad behavior and stopped it, I was the one who intervened if she threatened her, I was the one who discovered the theft and prevented it... my presence was a sort of limiting factor for her, she knew she could not go THAT far or else the authorities would be called. It was my responsibility to keep things under control, from escalating into terminal and unrecoverable.
But I remember then, being just totally destroyed by this situation, physically nervous system wise, I had no choice but to leave, because it was completely sick and abnormal and unhealthy and I quit.
That fall my sister began taking medication, and became more functional.
That fall, I became severely depressed, surely a direct result of the blitzing paralyzing stress plastering me every hour of the day. When stress that intense happens to me, I always have a mood fail after a few weeks or months, even when the stress gets better/goes away. I remember finding it ironic. Here I was laying in a bed crying, in pain all the time, immobile unable to dress or shower, and there she was functioning better.
I moved out shortly after this, when I got better. So done, so totally.
Of course she stopped taking medicine, stopped working, stopped everything functional and decent and normal, and regressed into the usual. Ultimately she thinks there is nothing wrong with her, and I'm tired of trying to figure out what is wrong and how to fix it or keep things stable-ish.
I am overwhelmed mentally by stress and worry now, and all evidence throughout my entire life leads me to believe the way I feel now is suggestive of an endeocrinological/nervous system state which leads to mental decompensation. The mental chaos, symptomatic of psychogenic stress, leading to stress hormones, will always destroy me after weeks and months of it. No exceptions. I am old enough and wise enough now to know anything that makes me feel this way needs to be terminated ASAP. Standing in a fire won't save the house or stop it... it will just kill me. I will be consumed and turned to ash.
There is a lot different now than in the past in terms of my health and resilience, but I refuse to put myself at risk to ever feel as badly as I did then if I can help it. I know how I feel now is the gateway to that. This is pure stress, and my brain was made to break.
I'm tired of this. I can't do anything, and as was the case then, I need to stop getting involved. I've no power to fix anything, just as good of a chance of making it worse... I'm sorry if my mother abrogates responsibility for her own life and happiness, I'm sorry my sister is parasitic and cancerous, but it really isn't my responsibility and I don't have the magic ability to fix these things. It's like, the sanest inmate of the asylum trying to help the others. A joke.
